My Co-Workers Keep Having Flirtatious Lunches. It’s On Me to Stop Them. (2025)

Good Jobis Slate’s new advice column on work. Read about ournew columnists and mission here.

Have a workplace problem big or small?Send it to Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir here. It’s anonymous!

Dear Good Job,

A co-worker of several years, “Miles,” has an outgoing and joyous personality. I’m more of an introvert but I enjoy the occasional rowdy lunch outing with lots of jokes being thrown around. Recently, a new colleague has joined our team, “Daisy,” and they also have an outgoing personality.

However, when the two extroverts interact it feels very flirty to me. This might be OK if they were both single, but Miles is married and Daisy is in a relationship, so it seems scandalous. When they’re talking, it’s hard to get a word in. But as the person who’s known Miles the longest, I feel pressured to insert myself to stop the flirty energy. I also want to crawl into a shell and pretend like nothing is happening. At what point should I say something, and to whom? Should I try to talk to Miles directly or maybe our common manager? Or should I hold off until a clear red line is crossed?

—Is This Even Awkward?

Dear Is This Even Awkward,

You know how the old saying goes: Two’s company and three’s a crowd, unless you’re John Ritter. I mention this because what I’m hearing in your letter is not just a question about the appropriateness of an office flirtation, but also the stirrings of resentment that your relationship with Miles has been irrevocably changed by your new colleague, and not for the better. I’m also hearing that you, as an introvert, are feeling a little outshined by the chatty extrovert Daisy, whose personality seems to vibe more cohesively with Miles, her fellow extrovert. In short, you’re feeling replaced, and that doesn’t feel great!

I can’t evaluate whether Miles and Daisy are actually being “very flirty,” but your proposed reactions make me wonder if your urge to get them in trouble stems, in part, from some jealousy. If you really feel the urge to comment on it, I would casually bring it up with Miles by saying something like, “Hey, it seems like you and Daisy have really hit it off!” That just lets him know that if there is something inappropriate about their friendship, he’s been put on a bit of notice that others have clocked their relationship. What I would not do is start spreading rumors about them around the office by mentioning how chummy they are, and I certainly would not tattle on them to your manager. Both of these options will just end up reflecting poorly on you.

Instead, try to befriend Daisy separately from Miles. Ask her to go to lunch, just the two of you, and see how she’s settling in and if there’s any way you can be helpful to her. It’s better to be seen as an ally than as a busybody.

Send Your Questions to Good Job!

Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry?Ask us your question here!

Dear Good Job,

I am one of the many who is absolutely despondent over the elections. I work in a hotel and obviously don’t engage in political conversations with guests. We don’t discuss politics in our back office, but I fear that if Trump continues his destructive path, I may lose all control and start shouting, “NAZI!” at my Republican co-workers, even though I really like them. Basically, I just want some tips on how to make it through the next four years without losing my job due to my rage over what my nation has done to itself.

—Keeping My Job in Trump’s Economy

Dear Keeping My Job in Trump’s Economy,

I am also feeling quite despondent these days, and I don’t work in a hotel and have to pretend to be apolitical around guests and keep the peace with Republican co-workers. That’s a tough combination. I don’t envy your situation, but I respect that you want-slash-need to keep your job, and also your sanity.

I have a few suggestions. One is meditation. I know it sounds a little corny, and maybe I’ve lived on the West Coast for too long at this point, but I think the world would be a calmer place if everyone took a few minutes out of their day to meditate and just relax. You don’t need to meditate at work, but I do think that if you start a meditation practice, some of the mindfulness that you need in meditation is going to help you keep your cool at work in the face of some potentially frustrating situations and conversations.

Another thing I think you should do is try to channel your anti-Trump energy outside of work, and I don’t just mean by donating money to anti-Trump politicians and causes, although that helps too. Try to do something that will connect you to your community and make you feel like you can make a difference. Make phone calls to your reps. (5 Calls is a super easy way to make this happen.) Volunteer. Go to a protest. Get together with like-minded friends.

At work, I would also be open to having conversations with your Republican co-workers about where you stand—especially if they seem to be starting to change their minds about Trump. Right now, social media is filled with people who are regretting their vote for Trump, mostly because Trump’s policies are directly affecting them in exactly the ways he said they would. (It’s the leopards ate my face phenomenon in action.) It’s possible this could happen to your co-workers as well, and instead of reveling in the schadenfreude of it all, you can help steer them in the right political direction.

In the meantime, if you’re seized with the desire to yell, “NAZI!” at your Republican co-workers, refer back to the meditation advice I offered above. Take a deep breath, count to five, close your eyes for a moment, visualize something that brings you joy, and then continue on your way.

Slate Plus members getmoreGood Jobevery week.Sign up nowto read Doree Shafrir’sadditional column this week.

Dear Good Job,

I’m a 52-year-old man and started with my current company in 2021. I edit technical documents for an audience of engineers and policy-makers. Not the most thrilling job, but it’s secure and pays the bills (two qualities a refugee from the journalism trenches can appreciate).

When I started, everyone in the organization was working remotely because of the pandemic. If anything, it made my team of editors more productive (we have the numbers to prove it) and everyone seemed happier, swapping jokes in our shared online spaces and attending virtual activities to socialize. No promises were made about how things would change after the pandemic, but we were given assurances there would be conversations about making work from home a permanent thing for our team. Well, those conversations happened and we weren’t invited. When the return to office was announced, there was significant pushback across the board and several people opted to leave rather than make the trek out to our office. Management floated a plan where those of us hired during the pandemic could stay remote while the rest returned to the office, but that was quickly rescinded. Then the word came down: Two days a week for everyone, no exceptions. A few weeks later, it was upped to three days because “there were cracks in the system” (they didn’t specify). Now they’re floating the idea of moving everyone to four days because not enough of us are showing up for our mandated three days in the office.

Morale has taken a nosedive. We’ve lost a lot of people, and all the “company culture” benefits we were told could only happen in an office have not materialized for my team. For instance, we still have to hold our team meetings virtually because team members are based in another city, so we’re essentially spending hours a day driving through brutal traffic to do the exact same work that we did while working remotely. I’m at the stage in my career where I have zero interest in climbing any corporate ladder, and I also recognize it’s a tough job market for someone with my skills and background. I’m looking for other possibilities, but for now, I’m resigned to making the pointless trek to the office three (soon to be four) days a week and doing what my job description requires. My attitude in the office is polite but I spend zero time socializing or pretending I’m thrilled to be there.

The challenge is my manager is pushing me to get more involved in the company. During my last performance review, she noted I got good marks for productivity, communication, and all the things that matter for someone in my position … but I’m not enough of a “team player” in terms of committee memberships or volunteering for “fun” duties outside my job description. On the one hand, I’ve been through these kinds of performance reviews before, and I get that she probably has to come up with something for everyone on the team to consider improving on. But on the other hand, seriously??? It’s not enough that I show up, do the work I’m contractually obligated to do, and leave without taking out my commute-related frustrations on company property? Now I have to put on a happy face and pretend I’m thrilled to spend three hours a day in the car for the chance to do the same work I did remotely AND plan parties. How do I diplomatically respond to this feedback? I want to make it clear I have zero interest in going above and beyond for this company, but I feel like she’s going to want more than some, “I’ll take it under advisement” response. How do I handle it if she takes a more proactive approach and “volunteers” me for extra tasks?

—Just Let Me Work and Go Home

Dear Just Let Me Work and Go Home,

Of all the terrible things to emerge from the pandemic, the widespread adoption of remote work was not one of them. There was even a brief moment when it seemed like remote work would be here to stay, and all the long commutes, childcare juggling, money spent on business casual clothing, and forced office camaraderie would go the way of the dodo. Many of us office workers would just do our jobs and never have to wear hard pants again.

Well, as the classic aught-teens internet headlines went: You Won’t Believe What Happened Next! The return-to-office (RTO) mandates are now flying, and given the rather tragic state of the job market, employees are finding themselves without a ton of leverage to push back. There’s even a term for it: “quiet layoffs.” Companies assume that a certain percentage of employees will quit due to RTO, and therefore save them money because they don’t have to lay them off. It is brutal and unfair.

I say all this to underscore just how much I empathize with your situation. It feels like a bait and switch: You were hired as a remote worker, you have been doing a great job as a remote worker, and now you arbitrarily have to come back into the office, which is making your quality of life take a nosedive and driving resentment toward the company. And now you’re getting dinged by your manager for not being enough of a team player. Who wouldn’t be pissed off?

And yet, I know you “recognize it’s a tough job market for someone with my skills and background,” but I’m not quite sure you recognize just how tough it is. Have you taken a gander at LinkedIn lately? Every other post is from someone in tech, marketing, journalism, or some other industry who has been laid off recently and is desperately looking for employment. Job postings are getting hundreds of applications. It’s bleak out there.

So I gently suggest that for the time being, you swallow your pride and sign up for a committee or two, while also starting to look for another job. You shouldn’t have to do this, yes, but I know you can pretend to be a team player for a little while to placate your boss. That said, I would try to sign up for the committee that is as light a lift as possible—maybe one that only meets once a month, or at least is with colleagues whom you like. It truly pains me to say it, but now is not the time to be making yourself a problem at work. Don’t give them an excuse to fire you. Suck it up, quietly look for another job, and try not to lose this one in the meantime.

—Doree

Classic Prudie

After some traumatic events, I’ve chosen to distance myself from my religion. However, my husband is very religious, and when we got married he expected us to always share a faith tradition. I don’t blame him, I did too—but after my experiences, I’ve changed.